“From Misprint to Milestone”
The emotions ran high all day. I kept feeling a tightening around my lungs. I felt like waterfalls were going to pour out of my eyes, and my chest was going to suffocate me. I couldn’t explain why, but I knew with every inch of my body, something was not right.
The mamma in me said we need to press on because I promised to take the kids to the county fair. But the realness in me wanted to run and hide. We stopped at home, and on my porch sat an Amazon box. One of the 100 copies I ordered of Lunch Break arrived. This is what I needed: something to restore my energy and give me enough good to fight the unknown anxiety. My fingers quickly and confidently opened the package, pulling out the symbol of my success.
I blinked a few times and grasped. This was not right. It couldn’t be right. It was too small and contained only 170 pages. No, no, no. Where were the 200-plus pages I created with the correct margins and font size? I ran upstairs to check the proof I received early in the week. I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. I sobbed again and got angry. Amazon sent the wrong manuscript? Did I order the wrong author copies? Everything was supposed to be saved. I know I double-checked to ensure the right manuscript was uploaded. I reviewed each page of that review multiple times. “If all 100 copies are wrong, I’m screwed.” I thought as I went through the upcoming week’s events in my mind. I had events, book signings, and more times when I was expected to have books in hand.
Again, failure consumed me, and every mistake I ever made haunted me like the ghost of Christmas past. I got in the car, trying to hold it together. I needed to get in mom mode and take my kids to the fair. They deserved that. However, I first had to call Amazon. As I spoke to the customer service representative, I wanted to determine if the other 99 copies I ordered resembled my proof or the disorganized mess I received. She said the last update was June 28, and the manuscript I uploaded on that date should have been printed. I wanted to believe her, that the other 99 copies would be correct. I needed faith, but the proof I held in my hands deceived me. The Amazon representative kindly said that, due to my emotional state, she’d email me the information she needed. She tried to comfort me. I did my best to wipe away my tears, regain my composure, and give my kids a good time.
But I couldn’t let go of the doubt, the insecurity, the disappointment, the belief that I failed yet again. That inner voice wouldn’t shut up, and I let her wreak havoc on every thought I had. “Haha, you think you will have a book signing at a bookstore and attend events featuring Lunch Break. No, the joke is on you. You are and always will be a failure.”
I watched my kids as they rode the rides, ate fried dough, and laughed with their friends. In that moment, I felt okay. When I got home, I burst into tears. I grieved the work I believed I lost. All the emails, all the money, and time, I couldn’t get it back. Tomorrow, Amazon would deliver 99 unusable books that I needed to be perfect.
I decided to take some time off in the morning and hopefully be home when the books arrived. But staying home felt pointless. I went to work and refreshed the tracking status on Amazon every 30 minutes. By 4 pm, the books came as I made my way home. I prayed and hoped on the car ride home, just as I had all day at work, that the books, my books, would be perfect. I needed these books to be right. My daughter and I carried in the boxes, and each opened a box. I cried again. Before us lay these beautiful covers of Lunch Break, featuring a right splash of yellow/cream color. The words were appropriately spaced and sized on the pages.
As I write this, a week and a half later, this is not a reflection of the failure I thought I deserved but a statement of the success I earned. Two days after the books came, I attended a vendor fair and sold 9 copies of Lunch Break. The following day, launch day, I crafted strategic social media posts with an abundance of pride and joy. To date, I have sold 19 copies, donated a copy to the Cortland Free Library, and dropped off 25 copies to All My Friends bookstore for the signing.
The past 10 days have been a whirlwind of emotions, accompanied by a significant amount of reflection and self-awareness. I want to tell you I learned all these impactful lessons from this experience, and next time I won’t worry about what I can’t control. But I won’t lie to you. I will share that this experience turned from one of the deepest lows to the highest of highs in such a short time. Holding the finished product of Lunch Break in my hand that first time felt like I was holding my new baby after carrying her for months. I knew how incredible this creation was, but no one could understand just yet. It was like my little secret, and then boom, it was finally time for the world to meet Analia, Caroline, Iris, and Ronnie.
Their response has been what I had hoped they’d would be. They are drawn in by the beauty of the cover (thank you, Seanna) and then captivated by the concept of four female coworkers becoming best friends through a shared lunch break. They connected to that experience. I created something that not only I needed but they did too. The women who purchased Lunch Break are the exact reason I wrote it, to show the power in women supporting women.
What I didn’t share in my rant about the emotional toll that misprint had on me was the women who helped me get through that experience. Throughout the entire time at the fair, one of my closest friends assured me it was okay to feel everything I was feeling and helped shuttle the kids from ride to ride when I needed a moment to cope with my emotions. My mother was another woman who talked me through it all. When I went down the wayward spiral of my failures, she reminded me of my successes. But she also listened to the why behind my doubts (that’s a post for another day). My sisters told me I wasn’t quitting when I wanted to give up. The stress of creating and publishing books weighs heavily on you and I believed this was a sign that it was time for me to put my dream on hold and focus my energy on my kids and work. But my sisters reminded me why I couldn’t quit and the real reason why I continued to write and share stories. My best friend, while on a vacation in another country, sent encouraging texts and assured me we’d get through whatever outcome together. The female coworkers at my job, including my supervisor, allowed me to take the time I needed that morning to process the mishap from the night before. I am beyond grateful for each of them.
Perhaps I did learn a valuable lesson from all of this. There are women in my corner cheering me on and rooting for me to succeed. I didn’t just create four supportive, loyal female friends; I am surrounded by encouraging and inspiring women who are there when I need them. And to be honest, that is the most significant win in all this, learning how blessed I am to have these women in my life. I am sincerely grateful for each of them. I may still worry about the things I can’t control, and it may take longer than I’d like to silence the voice of doubt, but I know for sure I have a core group of women that will always have my back.
