All the Girls in the Group

            The other day, as I sang in the shower, one of Xscape’s songs came on. I did my best to sing every line, ad lib, and all the Ooo and runs. If you don’t know, back in the 90s and early 2000, Xscape was hands down one of the best all-female R&B groups made up of five very talented singers. So, there I was trying to sing the parts of all five singers, even though I ad-libbed over a chorus. I’m a huge ’90s and early 2000s R&B fan, which consists of so many singing groups. When 3LW “No More” comes on, I’m rapping Kiely’s part, and before I can say, “you better call Tyrone”, I’m jumping right into Adrienne’s “you do or you don’t” note. I can’t even get a breath in between. Anyway, I realized the pressure to sing every part and thought, “Oh my! I’m trying to be every girl in the girl group.” This is incredibly difficult. I can’t do every part justice.

            Then this light bulb went off in my head, and I said This is like life. I’m trying to play every role—a one-woman show, juggling every hat. I’m constantly doing everything and not relying on others to hit their cues. Maybe my independence stems from years of always having to do things on my own, or because I like having things done a certain way. Maybe being raised by a single mom or spending many hours alone as a kid made me feel I could always do everything on my own.  I’m not sure why I adapted this behavior, but I know I want things to change.

            I cannot possibly be every girl in a girl group just as much as I cannot continue to handle everything in my life. Being the strong one who manages everything is getting painfully exhausting, and I’m sick of it. It would be one thing if I didn’t have people to help share the load, but I do. I am fortunate now that I am surrounded by many who’d be happy to reach out and help; all I have to do is ask.

            Ask! That’s the hard part. I know I could use the assistance, and sometimes I need it more than I care to admit. But this little thing called pride or something takes over and says No, we got this. Yes, we’ve always had this, but we don’t have to get through this all by ourselves. There is nothing wrong with sharing the load. So, I’m learning that there is nothing wrong with asking for help. In fact, most times we get better results when we blend our talents.

            Think of Xscape or any group you know. Could Kandi Burruss sing all those songs by herself? Sure. She’s got talent. But there is something magical when LaTocha, Tiny, and Tamika add their powerful voices. The four of them come together to make some true classic hits.  (Seeing them live in concert was an even better experience.) But anyway, the point is we don’t need to be the only girl in the group. We don’t always have to take the lead. We can step back and sometimes give others their moment to shine. Or we can harmonize together and make magic.  

            In my latest novel, Lunch Break, I explore this topic extensively. But my favorite quote is from Iris: “The only way women are going to get to the top is if we rely on each other… Like, there’s only space for the one woman who wants to win bad enough that she is willing to beat out the other women. Sometimes you meet those women who will stab you in the back just to get to the top. But for the most part, I’ve found that we are uniting together more and saying Hey, if I get to the table, I’ll make space for you.”

            Are you trying to be all the girls in the girl group? Do you try to accomplish everything on your own? Are there others you can join forces with and create pure magic with? When you get to the table, are you making space for others? Take a moment, think about this. Remember, if nothing else, we are stronger together. You don’t have to do this alone. I’m happy to share your load or sing along right next to you.

            To pay tribute to women supporting women, I’m hosting an event, “Her Story: A Night of Women Sharing Their Stories,” on September 25, 2025, from 6-8 at the Parkside Villa. The entire event is designed for women to come together, take the stage, promote themselves and their products, and let their voices be heard. We are stronger together. Where most girl groups go wrong is that management or media always tries to push someone in the front and make them stand out. Then the women are in competition for that lead spot. Let’s flip the narrative and harmonize together. That’s what we do: cheer each other on, offer love and support. This is not a competition, and we can all win. We rise higher when we harmonize.